


Destiel Fucks

by Anonymous



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, Fix-It, I am not in the supernatural fandom, I'm Sorry, M/M, Quote: Y yo a ti Cas | Me too (Supernatural), Series Finale, here's my attempt to make it up to you, joking references to homophobia, references to top/bottom discourse, second chapter is in Spanish with English footnotes, seriously don't take this seriously, yall were done dirty tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:55:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27638537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: What it says on the tin, bros.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester
Comments: 358
Kudos: 1357
Collections: anonymous





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Look, so I don't write in the supernatural fandom. But you don't have to be in a fandom to be pissed at bad storytelling and queerbaiting, especially after 15 years!! 
> 
> I've never watched an episode of SPN. I didn't even know the character's name was Dean and not Destiel until this evening. I wrote this fic with info I pieced together from a discord chat where a few friends liveblogged the episode. Forgive me. I hope, if nothing else, this lil ficlet provides catharsis.
> 
> Edited to say that yes, one of the pairings referenced in this fic is an incest pairing (look at the main pairing tags). This fic is meta about the last episode more than anything else. There's really nothing explicit or serious about this fic, but if the reference bothers you, don't read it!

The sleek, masculine car pulled to a stop at the end of a long bridge. Destiel got out and stared broodingly into the distance. He opened a six pack of beer, like a man. 

Someone was standing on the other end of the bridge. He walked slowly through the mists towards Destiel. [Was it misty? IDK I did not watch, I learned about what was happening through discord chat. But everyone likes a good mist for dramatic effect, right?]. Destiel squinted. Only the silhouette of the stranger was visible, but Destiel felt a strange compulsion to walk across the bridge. He felt that a part of his soul he hadn’t known was missing was waiting for him at the other end of the bridge. 

The mist blew away and there in front of him was Cas [Or maybe Sam? Not real clear on if we want the incest ship or the gay angel ship to sail at this point]. 

“Cas/Sam!” Destiel called out, and began to run. The six pack of beer dropped to the asphalt forgotten. 

“Destiel!” the other man shouted. They met in the middle of the bridge, a tidal wave against the shore, the sea against the sand, two forces of nature, embracing in the fresh air of Straight Heaven. 

“I thought you were [in Super Hell/married to a woman]?” Destiel said pulling back. 

“I was, but I [came back for you/didn’t have you around to kill her so I had to wait for her to die naturally.]” 

“Now you’re here,” Destiel said in his deep, gravelly baritone. “I have something to tell you. I’ve wanted to tell you for years. I love you.” 

“I know,” Cas/Sam said, and pulled Destiel into a passionate kiss. 

“Do you want to--?” Destiel said breathless. 

“Yes, I’ve wanted to for fifteen years,” Cas/Sam said. 

They scrambled out of their clothes on the bridge. “Quick, bend over, I can’t wait to be inside you,” Cas/Sam gasped. 

Destiel laughed until tears ran down his face. “Don’t you know we’re in Straight Heaven?” he said when he had recovered. “We’re all Tops here. It’s the Straightest and Only Acceptable way to be gay.” 

“What about blow jobs?” 

“This is Straight Heaven, you can recieve one if you’ve had a few beers, but you can’t ever give one.” 

“Well, in that case?” Cas/Sam held out a hand. “Care to join me in Gay Super Hell?” 

“With pleasure,” Destiel said, and took the hand that was offered to him. 

They leapt from the bridge hand in hand and fell all the way down to Super Hell where they fucked for hours in a field of flowers. 

Everyone came out onto the bridge in their street clothes to watch. They all clapped. It was good.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t stop. Please send help. 
> 
> When I woke up this morning to a tumblr dash full of Spanish language clips of Supernatural I realized I was in trouble. Spanish is not my native language and no one beta’d this ridiculousness--all errors are my own.
> 
> If you hover over the footnotes you'll get the English translation for the dialogue (you can also click them but hovering is faster).

Sometime later in Gay Super Hell:

“Te amo sin saber cómo, ni cuándo, ni de dónde...,” [1] Destiel said into the nape of Cas/Sam’s neck. They were the first words (not counting various gasps, grunts, and moans) that had been spoken in some time. 

“Te amo sin saber--” Destiel said again, frowning. “Espera un momentito .... ¿por qué estoy hablando en español? No hablo español.” [2]

“Ah,” Cas/Sam shifted and stretched, grinning up at Destiel, “Olvidé decirte--en Gay Super Hell todos hablan español. Es el único lenguaje aquí, en este lugar donde siempre nos hemos amado el uno al otro.” [3]

“¿Por qué?” Destiel asked, even more confused than before.

“Cuando El Vacío me mató, yo te dije _te amo._ En países hispanohablantes, me respondiste _y yo a ti,_ en vez de _no hagas eso_. Debido a este cambio en el guión, ahora Gay Super Hell es un mundo hispanohablante.” [4]

“¿Por qué diría, _no hagas eso?_ Eso no tiene sentido. Te estabas muriendo, no pensando en hacerte un tatuaje en la espalda baja.” [5]

“Estoy de acuerdo,” Cas/Sam said, wiggling his hips impatiently beneath Destiel’s. “La escritura fue mala.” [6]

“¿Y por qué fue differente en los países hispanohablantes?” [7]

Cas/Sam shrugged. “¿Un actor de voz valiente? ¿Un traductor obstinado? Probablemente nunca lo sabremos. La única cosa que importa es que estamos juntos ahora. Hablando de eso, ¿podrías volver a joderme y citar a Neruda?” [8]

“Por supuesto, mi amor,” Destiel murmured, and did. [9]

\-------

1.I love you without knowing how or when or where…[the start to a verse of Pablo Neurda’s famous sonnet XVII]↩

2. Wait a minute...why am I speaking Spanish? I don’t speak Spanish. [NB: the author does not know if Dean or Castiel canonically speak Spanish.] ↩

3. I forgot to tell you--in Gay Super Hell, everyone speaks Spanish. It’s the only language here, in this place where we have always loved one another. ↩

4. When The Emptiness killed me, I said _I love you_ instead of _don’t do it_. In Spanish speaking countries, you responded _I love you too_. Because of this change in the script, Gay Super Hell is now a Spanish-Speaking world. ↩

5. Why would I say _don’t do this?_ It doesn’t make sense. You were dying, not thinking of getting a lower back tattoo. ↩

6. I agree...the writing was bad.↩

7. And why was it different in Spanish speaking countries? ↩

8. A brave voice actor? An opinionated translator? We will probably never know. The only important thing is that we’re together now. Speaking of that, could you return to fucking me and quoting Neurda? ↩

9. Of course, my love. ↩

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If Good Omens fandom taught me one thing, it taught me the value (and pain of formatting) AO3 footnotes. 
> 
> For real though, I haven’t spoken Spanish in many years and I’m sure there are a lot of errors here. I wrote this for fun, but if you do happen to speak the language fluently, I would welcome corrections to the Spanish, because I am sure it is not entirely accurate and I don’t want to butcher the language. This fic was a lot of fun, but also on a serious note, it gave me such a great appreciation for writers who are working in a non-native language. It’s very, very hard to do.

**Author's Note:**

> wow, I did not expect so many people to find this crack fic, thank you for all your kind comments! 
> 
> My one and only regret is that I forgot to mention that "Carry On My Wayward Son," covered (maybe? again not clear here) by early 2000s rock band Evanescence is playing in the background for the entire duration of this fic.
> 
> Edited again to say: I'm keeping this fic on anon because supernatural isn't my sandbox, but since some people in the comments were wondering if I write other stuff--yes, I do. If you're interested in a different gay angel, you can find my Good Omens fic [here](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princip1914/works?fandom_id=27251507) and if gay demons and moral philosophy also do it for you, you can find my Good Place fic [ here](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Princip1914/works?fandom_id=11761144). Some of it is even crackfic, although probably nothing quite as cracktastic as this! Finally, you can find me [ on tumblr](https://princip1914.tumblr.com)!
> 
> Also the discord server that live blogged the ending of Supernatural and helped me brainstorm this ficlet was a Good Omens server, so if Good Omens ever drops a truly terrible season 2, please be pals and help us out with an alternate ending!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] Destiel Fucks](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27651734) by [finnagain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/finnagain/pseuds/finnagain)




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